After careful consideration, the government has decided to put a smile on the face of randy married men who secretly fund the glitzy lifestyles of lazy, jobless young girls in exchange for sex.
The authorities have realised the immense contribution such men, commonly referred to as sponsors, play in solving the country’s youth unemployment problem. And in a bid to make the economy tick, the government plans to announce various stimulative measures in this year’s budget, targeting these caring ‘sponsors’. Among the goodies they are likely to walk away with are various tax incentives.
“Not only have sponsors reduced youth unemployment but their activities have created business for the hospitality industry, including hotels and lodgings. This has provided a cushion for a sector that is still reeling from the effects of insecurity and travel advisories,” a policy official at The National Treasury is quoted as saying.
While lashing out at so-called Team Mafisi members, greedy randy men who only use and dump women and offer no financial assistance, a top Treasury official said, in giving the incentives, the aim of the government is to create an enabling environment for more ‘sponsorship schemes’.
“We think there are a lot men who could potentially become ‘sponsors’ to unemployed young girls, but have not been stimulated enough. But by giving them incentives such as tax relief whenever they take a sugar baby or two under their wing, they will now have a reason to become ‘sponsors’...” the policy official who spoke on condition of anonymity went on to say.
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However, ‘sponsors’ need not panic that they will now be required to produce evidence in order to claim tax refunds or be considered for tax relief.
“The government realises the importance of discretion in these sort of arrangements and is working on a way that will ensure the sponsors remain anonymous while still getting to enjoy the incentives,” revealed senior official at the Treasury.
During the proposal stage, other incentives that had been put forward included having lodgings and hotel rooms that sugar daddies and their squeezes frequent named after the ‘sponsors’. The ‘sponsor’s’ lobby, however, discouraged this, saying there were better ways of getting their wives to kill them!
So important was privacy and discretion that the prevalent view among the well-established ‘sponsors’ was that the biggest incentive the government could give them was getting rid of all the CCTV cameras lining some of Kenya’s roads and highways.
“Our sugar babies may be the bomb, to use some old school slang that was cool during my youth, but we are not terrorists so we don’t need all that surveillance bwana!” said one ‘sponsor’. “It kills the mood actually!”
This was an opinion shared by the operators of hospitality establishments along highways spotting the CCTV cameras. They claim to have been recording low business because ‘sponsors’ now prefer taking their beneficiaries to places where there are no CCTV cameras. Sources say that those places without electricity have suddenly become popular because apparently nobody takes a sugar baby to a hotel room to watch TV, anyway!
‘Sponsorship schemes’
If the incentives the government is due to announce succeed, the model could be transferred to other African countries that have a similar youth unemployment problem. Of concern, though, is the high churn-rate in these ‘sponsorship schemes’ because there are always thousands of pretty young things turning 18 every day.
“It’s pretty hard for someone who does not worry about the future and who is only likely to be thrown into a panic by an internet or social media outage to even think about contributing to a retirement scheme,” moaned one economics analyst. Having them join traditional unions would fail too because the work of a sugar baby cannot be defined as either blue collar or white collar.
“It wouldd have been easier though, if modern occupations were categorised on the basis of the bed sheets’ colour and not on the collar,” quipped one wag
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